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"Run" Through (Get it?)

Oh my God what was I thinking.

We had a "run-through" tonight for the benefit of our video sound guy, Josh, and the lighting designer, Josh. They are two different guys named Josh. The LD has a mohawk so Ali calls him Joshhawk, but that is confusing to Josh because it makes him think there's an actual bird in the room.

Act One (I HATE THIS) went not so piss-poorly. There was a performance of DARWINII going on nearby in the storefront, so I have not been speaking full-out ... which means I cannot "bring" much to the performance (as the kids say) but at least it makes sense. It has been sketched out in blocking, I have an idea of where to be. And the lines are, well ... okay, let's not talk about the lines. They exist. They are simply not accurate.

As for Act Two (AND THEN YOU DIE) well, crap. The running, all the running ... the truth is, my ass is bouncing in the most unpleasant way. This is not where I wanted to be right now. Oh well. Let's see what I can pull together in the next few weeks.

Then there's the text, thing. I mean, even that is not so horrid. We only attempted it so the designers, especially Joshhawk could get the gist of everything and have something to work with. Tomorrow afternoon, Monday, we will get this sucker into some blocking order.

Plans are coming together for Sunday's festivities. Need to go grocery shopping tomorrow, make arrangements with Mom and Dad, we may see them on Sunday, too. Weather suggest 50 degrees and partly sunny. I'd like it to be warmer, but as long as there is no snow or rain, I should be satisfied. I'd like to run around the zoo with the children.

Not alone.

Six short years ago (no, not short) we began creating a ritual. And on Calvin's first birthday it was pretty set: decorating the brick outside CPT, visitng his grave at Riverside Cemetery and then a trip to the zoo to see the otters. The home to create "the feast" which consists of spaghetti and meatballs (my favorite) whole artichokes with butter (her favorite) and some kind of dessert.

We did this alone that first year, just us and an otter named Bat. The next year, the day Bush started his war, we had a small child with us, who slept through most of it.

Now we have two, who shape the day's events as much as working around our schedules does.

The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change. Girl, put your records on.


Reading the Brick




We have three.


Riverside Cementery

It was a cold day this year. There is a new stone, on the other side of the tree, for children from UH who do not have their own plot. This troubled me a little, because I assume Calvins plot will now not get as much attention from the groundskeepers. He and his compatriots were cremated, and laid in a communal plot, which I guess is now full.

As if to confirm this potential for neglect, a backhoe which had worked on a nearby grave had pressed the stone into the muddy earth. It was partially obstructed, tokens of affection had been scattered. I wasn't prepared to do a proper cleaning, but managed as best I could with water from a sippy cup and the 900 number pages from a copy of Scene. We collected some of the toys and cars that had been tossed aside and put them back where they belonged.


Six sunflowers


Otter family


Tertia & Orson

My folks joined us at the zoo. I had an all-day rehearsal for TEMPEST, and the plan was to have the feast after 8.30 when I got home. By then the kids were quite squirrelly, and so we had dessert with them and put them to bed. Toni and I enjoyed Calvin's birthday dinner on our own for the first time in years.

By then it was very late. To do things right, we'd need to go through his things, listen to his song, but life just got in the way this year. Better to make time when we can really take our time with them.


Blowing out his candles.

Welcome ... and Farewell

I have no idea what kind of listenership WCPN gets at 8 PM on a weekday - for goodness sakes, that's when they normally broadcast the Canadians. But just in case there is a large audience (or maybe I should say, an audience) for this evening's broadcast of I HATE THIS, and in case any of them check out the website and just in case anyone clicks on the "Blog" button ... hello. Thanks for listening.

It's been a good day. I actually need to get back downstairs and check the meatballs. We are making our annual birthday feast, I make spaghetti and meatballs (my favorite) and Toni makes artichokes (her favorite.) There's a cake, too, it has an otter on it. That's a surprise. I'll post a photo later, if I remember to take one. The people at Zagara's did a beautiful job.

We stopped by Cleveland Public Theatre this morning to decorate Calvin's brick, and headed to the zoo to see the otters. Zelda & Orson had a lovely time. If it weren't for Z we would probably not have gone around the main part of the zoo, it was so cold. But not too cold. She loved seeing the elephants get cleaned, and spotted a giraffe right by the window of their house, one we missed even though it was right there, the tallest one, eating from a trough. Orson just liked looking at everything, and was contentedly rosy-cheeked throughout.

Yes, I finished Doctor Who. ("Bananas are good!") I am ready for London.

photo: Happy birthday, Mr. Shreckengost!

Oh, London, yes, if you are new, we are going to England to stay with Henrik and his family for two weeks. And I have a performance of IHT while I am there. I will be posting messages from Britain, and hopefully photos. Wish me luck.

Now, it may be disorienting, if you are new to me or this story, to learn all of this after having just listened to our story. Maybe you are thinking, "Yay! Happy ending!" If so, that wasn't the point. We are very fortunate to have had two successful, subsequent pregnancies, and we are all well and happy and have incorporated Calvin and his life into ours. This is not true of everyone, and we have met so many in the past few years who have suffered in silence because of the fear most Americans have discussing death in general and child death in particular.

I have no answers. Only sympathy and, I hope, support. Toni was approached by a new acquaintance at Orson's music class last week, someone new to town ... and new to this world. They lost a child last fall, shortly before hearing IHT on the radio when it was first broadcast. She heard my wife's name, and Orson's, and well, how many pairs are there like that? She came up to Toni to say hello.

"Does it get better?" she asked. Because she really didn't know. And Toni said yes. We never forget. It's different, it's better. I need to go, it's time for dinner. Zelda wants to sing "Happy Birthday" when the cake comes out. We never used to do that, but how can we say no?



UPDATE: Zagara's Marketplace in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, my friends. They created this ridiculously awesome cake. Chocolate cake with butter cream icing - normally Toni would insist on making her own cake, but our oven has been on the fritz for over a year (can't remember what we did last year.) So Z. and I were looking at designs for a cake the other day, they were all commercial, so I just asked them to put an otter on it.

No words? They asked, no message? Who is the cake for, a child, an adult? That's when it felt weird. It's one thing to state without regret that your eldest actually has an older brother who died in the womb, it's another to have to explain you're getting him a cake. No, I said, it's a commemorative cake (wimp) - the otter will be just fine.

So the artist came out to ask about the design. Is it all right if she just looks at a picture online, what about the colors, green? Blue? Whatever looks right, I said. And today I picked up this. It's beautiful! And delicious.

Happy birthday, guy. I think a five year-old would dig this cake.