And things are all right and not all right. The second ultrasound visit yesterday showed absolutely no abnormalities at all, but that doesn't prove there aren't any. Just as Toni's increased ABF levels don't prove there is anything wrong. (Uh, I think they are "AFB" levels.)
We were supposed to have dinner at the Pedacis' tonight but had to cancel. At first Toni seemed to be coming down with a cold but now she's vomiting again and can't lie down without becoming very ill. I may be sleeping in another room if only to keep me from becoming sick -- I haven't been sleeping very well with all of this going on and it makes it difficult for me to care for her.
Why why why why why why. I am grinding to a halt here, I can't get anything done except for this stupid play I am directing.
And things are not all right. Toni's levels are still high, they seem to have escalated. We will go in for another ultrasound tomorrow. I have an image from the previous ultrasound on my desktop. That is a little person to me, or is becoming so, and gradually. But there it is. And there is a slight possibility it will have problems. That it may have difficulty walking or need some kind of special therapy.
Toni told me about the tests not being what we wanted them to be while I was at work. I was crying at the office. I came home and just burst open with Toni. I am so scared, so sad -- I wanted everything to be perfect. Maybe they won't be perfect. When is anything perfect?
Things are all right. The ultrasound (one of which I am using for my desktop graphic) displayed no defects ... the fetuses' head is intact, strong looking, the spine looks strong, two hands, two feet, they couldn't see the very very base of the spine, where a lot of spinal openings, if present, can be found. They drew more blood, if the levels Toni had in the previous screening dropped we can safely chalk up the former test to, well, something else, something unknown. It was a stressful but reassuring experience.
Yes, there are a lot of things you can share with others, or rely on others for, but this is truly one where the two of you are on your own. Fortunately, Toni and I have been on our own for so much of our relationship already, it's just another part of the journey. One we knew we would have to take. I think we knew that.
Level 2 Ultrasound today. We will know a lot more today and I am scared. Not as scared as Toni. There's a reassuring voice in my head that tells me everything will be all right, and that voice is called denial. I simply cannot honestly fathom what to do if anything were wrong. So I don't. I acknowledge the possibility but take comfort (perhaps too much comfort) in the odds.
My father was adopted. I wish I'd found out why before I chose to get someone pregnant.
