What to do

How chilly this morning. Had the heat turned on a week or so ago, but we both smelled what we thought was the faint odor of gas ... but only around the stairwell. In any case the weather has been mild, but no longer.

I have been working overtime on "Cloud 9" and deserve a break, my traditional break. Last year, after Sin opened I think I went to the zoo and got very depressed. I can't decide whether to go to the Rainforest or the art museum.

I also need to rake the leaves.

Housework

Spent the morning, since I rose at 7ish (7:30?) washing dishes, taking care of Toni, making breakfast, taking care of Toni ... feels like so much time spent doing housework but I'm not really doing any. I am always doing something yet it feels I am further and further behind.

Which is to say nothing of how Toni feels, by her own assessment "four weeks behind" in her homework, she was written a play and is acting as its sound designer (she is there, at a sound design meeting this morning) as well as being hideously fraught with morning sickness. She has been unsteady and unwell for three days. I hope she shakes it off by this afternoon, the mornings can be treacherous.

I was formerly sad and depressed because I feared we would never have a child, now I fear sometimes she will hate me for forcing her to have one.

Accutane

Just read an article on Salon about a teenager who shot himself, and the parents are suing the manufacturer of Accutane, or their doctor or something.

In 1998 the FDA instructed doctors to warn people to whom they prescribe Accutane that it has been linked to depression. I took Accutane in 1987. By the following fall, I was almost entirely despondent, angry, irrationally upset ... that drug (almost) cured me of disfiguring and extremely painful acne. It also brought on rather swift hair loss as well as extreme sensitivity to cold weather and eternally chapped lips. I cannot tell whether or not that was a good thing.

My ex-wife took Accutane during our first year of marriage. Hmn.

Success

Toni is pregnant. This is a good thing, this is something we planned, something we worked together for. I wanted a baby, and I wanted one now. I felt, I have felt, that I have been waiting my entire life for when everything was on the right order - right career, right mate, right time, house clean, office organized, head in a good place - before I could. By those criteria I would wait forever. I asked Toni if we could, she said yes, some time ago. Only now we have done it.

I worried it would never happen, that now that I was ready she wouldn't be, and wasn't for a time, like I wasn't ready for marriage, and yet here we are. She's been off the pill for ages, taking B vitamins, trying to be in good health (though, again, can't wait forever) and last month we began trying to get pregnant and bam, it worked. Damn, I'm good.

This morning was a monster. We have both been doing so much work, getting little sleep, and the stress is telling on her - pregnant, in grad school, and having a play she wrote produced at Dobama's Night Kitchen. She was very unhappy this morning.