Wednesday, January 31, 2001

Free Times Review

A stylish, energized and surprisingly impactful use of this late-night platform. A nice achievement, particularly considering all the things that might not have gelled with this production, including the format: 32 short plays by nine different authors crammed into one short, low-budget hour.

"The Gulf" ... manages to transcend the ambivalence inherent in the theme. It was a short and uninspiring war, but soldiers faced death and civilians felt loss. So it is possible that this recent and brief period in history, when examined thoughtfully, can yield insight into greater and darker events of the more distant past.

Support the troops. See "The Gulf."
- Marie Andrusewicz

Saturday, January 27, 2001


My weight is staying around 170, which doesn't suck. I do not feel bloated or fat. I have resumed going to the gym, have done twice in the last two weeks which isn't enough, beet than nothing, and I will try to get into the habit of going at least twice a week.

Toni keep getting bigger. The fetus, the creature, the baby, is very active, swimming around inside of her. A little tiny human, inside of her, getting bigger every day.

The show has opened. There are responsibilities, my job, my theater, benefits to throw, classes to schedule, a book to sell (got another rejection letter yesterday) -- but there are also clothes to wash and put away, food to purchase and meals to prepare, and a nursery to create. For when we become a family. The Thayer-Hansen family. I am scared, and I am unsure. I am nervous that I will be a joke of a father. But I want this so badly and I can't even begin to explain why.

Tuesday, January 16, 2001


I came home from rehearsals so exhausted, just wanting to get it all out of my system, and the days have been spent caring for a poor sick Toni ... and you know, I think I am not in the habit of taking notes on everything -- productions, my personal life -- because my life is the full, busy, and largely well-run thing that it is. I do not need to remind myself how to do certain things, I remember.

But then there are the things we forget and I should be writing those down. I hope some can be found here.

Sunday, January 14, 2001

Grinding halt

And things are all right and not all right. The second ultrasound visit yesterday showed absolutely no abnormalities at all, but that doesn't prove there aren't any. Just as Toni's increased ABF levels don't prove there is anything wrong. (Uh, I think they are "AFB" levels.)

We were supposed to have dinner at the Pedacis' tonight but had to cancel. At first Toni seemed to be coming down with a cold but now she's vomiting again and can't lie down without becoming very ill. I may be sleeping in another room if only to keep me from becoming sick -- I haven't been sleeping very well with all of this going on and it makes it difficult for me to care for her.

Why why why why why why. I am grinding to a halt here, I can't get anything done except for this stupid play I am directing.

Thursday, January 11, 2001

High levels

And things are not all right. Toni's levels are still high, they seem to have escalated. We will go in for another ultrasound tomorrow. I have an image from the previous ultrasound on my desktop. That is a little person to me, or is becoming so, and gradually. But there it is. And there is a slight possibility it will have problems. That it may have difficulty walking or need some kind of special therapy.

Toni told me about the tests not being what we wanted them to be while I was at work. I was crying at the office. I came home and just burst open with Toni. I am so scared, so sad -- I wanted everything to be perfect. Maybe they won't be perfect. When is anything perfect?

The War

And now it's a story. Our story of the war. I didn't think we were going to do this, it seems too ambitious to work. There's very little satire, just true stories of the war, fought at home and abroad. There are so many gaps in the "factual" account ... but I'm not certain it won't work. Tonight will be a very telling run-through. I hope it is enjoyable. Personal complications have made things ... complicated.

Tuesday, January 09, 2001


Things are all right. The ultrasound (one of which I am using for my desktop graphic) displayed no defects ... the fetuses' head is intact, strong looking, the spine looks strong, two hands, two feet, they couldn't see the very very base of the spine, where a lot of spinal openings, if present, can be found. They drew more blood, if the levels Toni had in the previous screening dropped we can safely chalk up the former test to, well, something else, something unknown. It was a stressful but reassuring experience.

Yes, there are a lot of things you can share with others, or rely on others for, but this is truly one where the two of you are on your own. Fortunately, Toni and I have been on our own for so much of our relationship already, it's just another part of the journey. One we knew we would have to take. I think we knew that.


Level 2 Ultrasound today. We will know a lot more today and I am scared. Not as scared as Toni. There's a reassuring voice in my head that tells me everything will be all right, and that voice is called denial. I simply cannot honestly fathom what to do if anything were wrong. So I don't. I acknowledge the possibility but take comfort (perhaps too much comfort) in the odds.

My father was adopted. I wish I'd found out why before I chose to get someone pregnant.

Monday, January 08, 2001


The new year has brought with it a series of complications and anxieties. Toni had a blood test, a screening test, to determine if there were any major genetic abnormalities with the fetus. She tested negative for Down's Syndrome, but got an abnormal in another part of the test, which could mean a host of things including (but the odds are against it) Spina Bifida.

It wasn't the news so much, she knows that could mean a number of things, including the fact that sh has, for example, twins (something she is almost sure she has thought I feel she is only being fanciful) but the way sh received it was outside the close knit loop we and the midwives have formed, it came from a dupe who works for University Hospitals. Someone mistakenly suggested she was automatically signed up for an amniocentesis test (which, at this stage and at her young age would cause more problems that it would detect, not to mention be traumatic and extremely painful) and anyway Toni had a really lousy Thursday last week.

We have calmed down a little, but the fear that our fetus might be deformed, genetically, has made me separate from it, want not to be too attached. What does Toni think? We haven't discussed it. Abortion is still an option, though a much more difficult one than it would have been even a month ago. She has really begun to grow. Everyone knows we are pregnant, so do we tell them we had to get rid of the "baby"?

I don't even want to think too closely on this, see, it probably isn't necessary but we must think about the worst to be prepared for it. But I want to be close to the baby, singing to it, telling it stories, but then I have already become so attached if anything should go wrong I will be one sad man.

Tuesday, January 02, 2001


Prince of Wales Hotel - Niagara-On-The-Lake

Delightful night's sleep, almost delirious. I keep waiting to have a real cold but it never comes.

And so, rested (very well rested) Toni and I will return home, ready to tackle the new year with energy. More to do now than ever, including construct a nursery. Not much time for anything else, huh? We shall see ...

Monday, January 01, 2001

She thinks she felt it move.

Happy New Year was spent in bed. After a harrowing, then pleasant time at the Skylon, we figured ringing in the new year in bed, warm and alone was better than doing it in the park with 30,000 others.

I have decided that, of all places here, I severely dislike the Skylon. It was uninviting and cramped. The floors downstairs are bare cement, giving it that Richfield Coliseum feeling, and upstairs, in the tower, JESUS.

We arrived at 8:30 for our 8:30 seating. Actually, we arrived at 8 or so, but it took a wait in line for the elevator to get to the lobby. In the lobby we waited for almost an hour to be seated. Toni was extremely unhappy, with people on all sides, alternately hot and cold, and having to stand.

There was this glad-handing stooge in a yellow turtleneck who cut in line. He emerged from the elevator in the middle of the queue, and never checked to see if that wasn't the wrong place to be. He was from Canton, he owns a Humvee - I'd seen him around town. On these roads, in a HUMMER. What a prick. I hated overhearing his conversations on line. "Solid!"

Our table was a booth, for two, facing out of the tower. So that was good. And the food, though not exemplary, made us very happy. I bought Toni a rose. It was our 12th new year's together. We speculated on future new years. What do you do with a baby?

Toni tells me she thinks she felt it move in the middle of the night.