Headache

Every night is awful. It used to be that she would get terrible indigestion just as she got into bed -- and then there was the snoring. 

She is now used to having the indigestion (it is still no picnic, but she is used to it) and I got earplugs -- and just as I was used to those, she now develops terrible head and neck aches in the middle of the night and I rouse myself to rub her head or neck or whatever. She then sleeps in the morning and I feel like shit.

Yesterday (or the day before) she said she never wants to have a baby again and I think she means it. I think I never want her to have a baby again. 

Of course, I was never kidding myself (though I think she was) into believing a pregnancy would be easy. Nothing else is easy, she was always been susceptible to slight alterations in her physical condition. She becomes faint easily, succumbs to heat, she is ill very, very often. I mean, she gets sick all the time and she always has.

After last weekend she missed Monday, half of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from work -- and then her boss said some unfair things to her over the phone, about Toni warning them at the beginning of the week about not coming in, and worse, on Friday when she did get into work the boss suggested we threw a holiday dinner party (one which this woman did not even attend) to make up for lost hours last semester.

Toni may have missed a lot of time at work over this pregnancy, but her boss sounds truly fucked-up for some of the things she said to Toni this week and it has made Toni furious.

Would she be getting headaches anyway? I say yes, the books say yes, but this gives her something to really focus on.

For the moment

How is Toni?

Good question. Again, last night, she was up a good portion of the night. After Saturday, she did not go to work on Monday, then tried on Tuesday but could only make it through half of the day. She took another suppository that night but was determined last night not to, hence she was awake. Achy, stiff, pain in her stomach.

She thinks she picked up a flu bug that simply has not gone away -- she cannot take the kind of drugs that would defeat such a virus, they would harm the fetus. So she muddles through. She did not attend the Bradley class last Sunday, but I did. I recorded it for her, but she hasn't listened to the recording, it is still sitting on my desk.

How is the Fetus/Creature?

We do not know. It is upsetting to me that she has been so continually ill throughout the pregnancy, and I do not just mean nauseous, Toni is regularly nauseous at the best of time. I mean sick, writhing in pain, not getting any sleep.

Sometimes I think Toni thinks I am not taking the baby seriously. I know I do not do my reading ... but I do clean the cat box and feed the cats, something she should not do, and I wash the dishes and do all of the picking up, i maintain the order of the house, such as i is so she can be free to be pregnant.

Wait, we're not talking about me yet. The baby.

So the baby, which used to do amniotic backflips, has settled down a lot. We do not know if this is because it is growing very fast now (we are entering the seventh month, getting there ...) or because of all of the medication has affected it. Is it a lot of medication? Who knows, I wish I had asked, but if the midwife said it was all right, maybe it is. We do not know.

What can you do but worry? There's no turning back.

I sing to it when I think to. Beatles songs, Toni tries to get me to sing proper children's songs, I want to sing Cole Porter. I think children's songs are childish. I don't know what effect this will have on the baby, maybe it will arrive smoking a reefer.

How is Dave?

Good question. Little regular sleep and lots of other things going on, it has been quite a strain.

Monday we bought a new board game, listened to CDs and enjoyed each others' company.

Tuesday we watched "The Contender" on video.

Last night friends came over and we ate corned beef sandwiches and played a board game.

Tonight I got Indian food for Toni (it is quite the restorative for her, calm, comforting) and spent the evening ... well, it's just nine and I already took out the trash, put leftovers in plasticware, and here I am writing, something I never do.

I feel more private. Work is work. Home is home. Play is play. In theater all those things overlap. But this feels nice, for the moment.

Long night

I can't believe it's after five ... what a difficult ... day?

I was really looking forward to the final GULF cast party, which we had last night here at the house. Only the cast and company were here, and that was great. We talked, watched videos -- Toni went to bed around midnight. The cast stayed until 3:30 AM.

Toni was up. She had terrible stomach pain, and was unable to sleep. Even when she could relax her stomach, her back would hurt and if she got her back comfortable, her stomach would hurt. I didn't know what to do, and I had been up since seven the morning before, I wanted to sleep so badly.

By five o'clock I deduced this had gone far enough, I had run a bath for her (to help with the aches) but then she began vomiting and I would rub her back for a while. I tried a relaxation exercise but then her stomach kept hurting and she needed to vomit again. I called her mother (I scared her by calling so early -- but not for waking her, she is always up around four in the morning) and she told us to go to the hospital, which is what we did after consulting the midwife.


From six-thirty-ish until nine-ish we were delirious in a hospital room, Toni on an IV drip to keep her from dehydrating, they observed her, decided she has a rather serious stomach flu and sent us home with a prescription for medication to take care of the nausea. Toni has been sleeping since we got home, I slept for about four or five hours. I am wrecked, my body aches but I am not sleepy enough to sleep.

A Saturday. I was going to do housework but I can't piddle around upstairs while Toni needs her rest -- besides, I am exhausted. I did pay the bills (a few days late) and began tax preparations. Now I am writing. I need to finish benefit letters ... and blah, blah, blah, so many other things.

I wanted to work on the nursery, or at least ruminate on it, that's my next big project. I think. There's always some big project. I think I will call for Monday off from work, I need to catch up from all of this.

Grinding halt

And things are all right and not all right. The second ultrasound visit yesterday showed absolutely no abnormalities at all, but that doesn't prove there aren't any. Just as Toni's increased ABF levels don't prove there is anything wrong. (Uh, I think they are "AFB" levels.)

We were supposed to have dinner at the Pedacis' tonight but had to cancel. At first Toni seemed to be coming down with a cold but now she's vomiting again and can't lie down without becoming very ill. I may be sleeping in another room if only to keep me from becoming sick -- I haven't been sleeping very well with all of this going on and it makes it difficult for me to care for her.

Why why why why why why. I am grinding to a halt here, I can't get anything done except for this stupid play I am directing.

Catching up

Wow. Found it very difficult to sleep. Didn't snooze until midnight (went to bed at 10:30) and woke around three or four to discover I just couldn't get back to sleep. Got up a half-hour ago. I want to be at work by eight, that shouldn't be impossible. Big day, I have an audition for a commercial at noon, a midwife appointment at one, there's the ACLU party beginning at five but then I have a rehearsal at seven.

Wow. Glad I don't feel ill anymore. Surprise twenty-four hour thing. Toni is so worried about all the work she has to catch up on. I must wake her at six so she can do some of it. She was so preoccupied with her play, and having sever bouts of morning sickness (she's over them, mostly) that it threw her ... I knew this would be difficult, but I had no idea how much.