Fail

Have You Seen Me?
Male - Answers to the name "TIGER"
Last seen on Castleton Road Thursday night 2/17/11
Look at that photo. In the upper left corner you can see my girl's smile. She loves this cat. She sleeps with this cat, or did so, until Thursday when it got out the side door and has not come back. It was in the upper 50s that night. Today there is a blanket of snow on the ground. He has been sighted in various parts of the neighborhood, or at least he was until a few nights ago.

My daughter's cat disappeared. The next night my wife was informed at a pizza party being thrown by one of the school mom's that not one, but three of my daughter's friends will be attending different schools -- not at the beginning of the school year, but starting next week. A month ago she learned another of her friends will be moving at the end of the school year. Two of her friends she made last year in first grade are in different schools now, or have moved away entirely.

I pray God that I or my wife do not get hit by a truck in the near future, I am seriously concerned about my eight year-old developing a deep fear of commitment.

Where did I go wrong? Why do I not have a higher paying job, why am I not more successful in my chosen career?

Why did I not choose a different career?

I would like to think I send my kids to public school for altruistic reasons. I believe deeply in public education, especially now when it is so severely under attack. And I like the school she goes to. But the truth of the matter is I could not afford to send my children to a private school if I wanted to. That is the fact.

I cannot protect my children's pets, cannot find them, cannot keep them from running away. I have no illusions about finding this animal. An indoor cat, we have read all of the information about how far afield they may or may not roam, and heard apocryphal stories about how cats just come back, sometimes after days and days. I do not believe this. Tiger is miles away, or dead, or seriously injured, or freezing in someone's garage. I cannot save him. And it is my fault.

I allowed my son to have a horrible domestic accident which broke his skull and has left him with a long, dramatic scar on the back of his head. He likes having his hair cut very short, so it is there all the time, a constant reminder to me of my utter failure to be vigilant. It was not an accident. It was a lack of responsibility.

And this takes us back to my original sin, not knowing the signs. My first child died because I was ignorant, feckless, full of guile, stepping into a dangerous and unknown world like I was walking into a bar or a department store. Just looking around.

I have no idea what I am doing. I never have.

UPDATE: 2/23 Cat came back last night, safe and sound and none the worse for wear. He actually keeps trying to get outside, I think he had quite an adventure and is ready for more. We are still stressed at home, but for now there was a little more to celebrate, and a cloud has lifted from over my girl.

Details

Last Sunday I botched my first production meeting. Scheduled for 11 AM at CPT, I wrote it down as 1 PM. Alas. Beth and Ali were able to work out the most important elements in my absence, but still. Oops. This is not how I want to start.

My stage manager, my graphic designer, my director, want some kind of clean copy of the script. Kelly was generous enough to give me a deadline of MARCH 9. Seriously? You are too kind. That's a scant month before opening. Who knows, maybe, perhaps, I will complete it this weekend. Maybe fireworks will spring from my tits.

It has been unseasonably mild the past few days. It feels like Spring. I cover the moments I recorded ten years ago. I remember so much, but I had forgotten even more. March 3 is a significant entry. A horrifying entry. The true beginning of the end, in spite of the fact that ... nothing happens. But uncertainty is not merely present, it is concrete.

As for this moment in time, ten years ago, things are still all right. They are just all right. And we sing.