A selfish man who lived his life in pursuit of nothing but his own interests. He hated his job, sure, but he was there first (in order to beat rush hour, it was frustrating for him to have to deal with traffic, so he left the house at six or six-thirty) and came home last, maybe in time for the six o'clock news. Twelve hours out of the house for a job he didn't care about, the job his father did. No imagination. No creativity. Only sitting up late in his underpants, eating cheese and bologna, reading history.
How did I come from this man? Yes, thanks to him (and mother) I have learned how to be wildly out of touch with my emotions, how to be politely passive-aggressive, how to mutter under my breath. How to desire nothing, how to achieve nothing. How have I come as far as I have with parents like these? How did I develop a need to show off, to attract attention, and how did I come to a place where people look to me as a leader?
Has Toni taught me everything? How to cope with being needed? How to make difficult decisions? How to enjoy the air, the animals, other people? How not to suffer fools gladly?
I was feeling dowdy the other day, the weather has been crummy again, we are short on laundry and I never had particularly attractive winter clothes, anyway (like father, like son - we all dress terribly until there is a woman to dress us up) and my hair was longish, it cannot grow too long on my bald head without looking bad. So I trimmed it, but trimmed it closer than normal, and I shaved, trimmed my goatee and I thought, hey, that's an attractive man. An attractive, bald man in his thirties. Not a young man who has grown too old and doesn't know what to do with his life, but a man, a simple man, a man who has a wife and owns a house and is expecting a child and is living a life, and he looks all right.
What if the child isn't healthy? Will I blame myself for not insisting she not have that occasional glass of wine, to not take so much Tylenol, will it be my fault?
What if the child isn't healthy? What will I do? I will cope. I will cope. We will cope. Cope like I was never taught how.
The books say it is normal for a father-to-be to assess their own father in this way. But it is still awful. And he is changing, too. It's not just me. He is becoming like his father in so many way he talks about things without care for whether or not he's being a bore, he foists strong philosophical and religious beliefs on us. He sees the end and he is desperate to make an impact. His father has annoyed him for so long. And now he is annoying me. What a terrible cycle.
It's 11:30.
How did I come from this man? Yes, thanks to him (and mother) I have learned how to be wildly out of touch with my emotions, how to be politely passive-aggressive, how to mutter under my breath. How to desire nothing, how to achieve nothing. How have I come as far as I have with parents like these? How did I develop a need to show off, to attract attention, and how did I come to a place where people look to me as a leader?
Has Toni taught me everything? How to cope with being needed? How to make difficult decisions? How to enjoy the air, the animals, other people? How not to suffer fools gladly?
I was feeling dowdy the other day, the weather has been crummy again, we are short on laundry and I never had particularly attractive winter clothes, anyway (like father, like son - we all dress terribly until there is a woman to dress us up) and my hair was longish, it cannot grow too long on my bald head without looking bad. So I trimmed it, but trimmed it closer than normal, and I shaved, trimmed my goatee and I thought, hey, that's an attractive man. An attractive, bald man in his thirties. Not a young man who has grown too old and doesn't know what to do with his life, but a man, a simple man, a man who has a wife and owns a house and is expecting a child and is living a life, and he looks all right.
What if the child isn't healthy? Will I blame myself for not insisting she not have that occasional glass of wine, to not take so much Tylenol, will it be my fault?
What if the child isn't healthy? What will I do? I will cope. I will cope. We will cope. Cope like I was never taught how.
The books say it is normal for a father-to-be to assess their own father in this way. But it is still awful. And he is changing, too. It's not just me. He is becoming like his father in so many way he talks about things without care for whether or not he's being a bore, he foists strong philosophical and religious beliefs on us. He sees the end and he is desperate to make an impact. His father has annoyed him for so long. And now he is annoying me. What a terrible cycle.
It's 11:30.
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