Happy Fourth Birthday, Calvin
A whirlwind memorial weekend ... in miniature

Saturday, March 19

A visit to the Rainforest.

Choo-choo Train Dan hits on my daughter.

The weary kitchen staff, preparing the feast.

The feast.

Sunday, March 20

Happy birthday, little man.

... a short plane ride later, and we're at the Boathouse in Central Park.

The happy couple, who waited a little too long to get married
(Get it? Get it?)

I have a goofier version of this picture, too.

Monday, March 21

A brief, rainy trip to Diana Ross Park.

Anniversaries

Ten years ago today, March 19, 1995, Toni moved in. She didn't have a job, she didn't have a driver's license, but she moved to Cleveland. To leave New York. To be with me.

The mid-90s. Yes, that was a long time ago. And it is shocking to think this decade (whatever we call it) is half over already. And boy, didn't the first half just blow?

Four years ago today Toni and I checked in at University Hospitals for a routine appointment with our midwife and were told our baby was dead.

We've split the birthday party in half this year. This morning Mom joined us at the Zoo. It was cool but very, very pleasant. We were there early and got to see the parade of elephants coming out of the house for the day. And the otters at the Rainforest were particularly frisky this morning. I am very glad Mom came. She seemed very happy.

After nap-time we began the feast - and we are still in the middle of preparing it. There's been cheese-stuffed olives and smoked mozzarella and marinated mushrooms with Kaliber to tide us over until dinner. Zelda's been a big help.

We have been explaining, in a low-key manner, what the celebration is. I am not sure she gets it. She still remembers her Great-Grandfather Calvin who died last spring, and gets her older brother confused with him.

Whose Life Is It, A**hole?

Maybe I need to stop reading the paper today. And maybe I should rejoice in the fact that, even now, I can be surprised.

Apparently our Republican run government has decided that anyone's personal life is their business, and has denied Terri Schiavo's right to a peaceful, dignifed death by requesting her to testify, thereby evoking a statute that protects those called before Congress from harm.

This, penned by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, in cold-hearted mockery of his own oath as a physician.

I keep thinking, how bad could things get? How bad could they get? And now I have to worry that, in case something terrible were to happen to me, hit by a bus, whatever, and my faculties were killed, my senses shut, all but my physical life over, Toni's wishes to grant me an end to my misery could be NULLIFIED BY AN ORDER OF CONGRESS.

I feel ill. Literally ill.

Bush calls this a "culture of life" or something equally twisted. "Life" has so many meanings other than the presence of a pulse.

Life In Venice

Amazing. One article in the New York Times and suddenly I miss Venice Beach. Nice place to visit, I guess. I love the bit about the difference between the early 90s (when I was living nearby) and today, as if to rub it in.

Yes, sometimes I really wish I were living in Chicago or NYC or Minneapolis or anywhere but Cleveland. And then I remember L.A. And I heave a great sigh of satisfaction and relief.

What's On David's iPod?
Mr. Blue Sky
Electric Light Orchestra
"Out Of The Blue"
(Take that, you frosty biyach.)

"You mean I'm not three anymore?"

I remember asking my brother Henrik that first-thing in the morning on my fourth birthday. That would have been July 26, 1972. We were in the Log Cabin in Flood's Cove, Maine. I also remember getting a toy farm set as a present.

This Sunday, March 20, 2005 is Calvin's fourth birthday. We will decorate the brick, visit his gravesite. The other celebratory events - visiting the zoo, creating the feast, these things we will do on Saturday night, for on Sunday afternoon we are flying to New York for Liz & Harris' wedding. Got a new tux today, the tux I was married in is about twenty-five pounds out of date.

You know, one of the questions that often gets asked during the Q&A following a performance of I HATE THIS regards what has happened with my family since. The strain of their not knowing what to do or what to say, and my reaction to that, is a major element of the show. And the show doesn't change, it just stops at March 20, 2002. So people want to know. I wish they wanted to know for some abstract reason, but mostly it always sounds like they are worried about me, or that it just left them feeling hollow and they want some reassurance. And I can give them that.

Things have changed considerably since then. If anything, the play was a catalyst for change ... maybe an extremely passive aggressive one, who can say. But it did start conversations that had yet to be started.

Mom made several different suggestions of how we could get together on Sunday. It is Palm Sunday, you know, maybe we'd like to come to church. Maybe they could drive us to the airport. Both of these suggestions don't really work due to our strict timetable that day. But it meant so much to be asked. And today she gave us a lovely, purple and pink Calvin Day hydraenga.

Yes. Things change.

And speaking of Palm Sunday, you know what that means ... Eggshelland!

What's In David's Lap?
A Thread of Grace
by Mary Doria Russell
(L'chaim!)

4 Scores

(check out the review in Scene)

One more weekend to catch Sarah Morton's one-woman show 4 Minutes to Happy. Sat in front of Sarah's Mom on Saturday night (oversold crowd - get your tickets today!) and she wanted me to know Sarah was misquoted in the Plain Dealer, she never said our two shows "had a very New York sensibility" but that she had in fact said, they did not have a New York sensibility.

Having cancelled my subscription to Ohio's Largest in 2001, I didn't know what she was talking about. But I was pleased, what with a show to do and all, that what I thought was weighing so heavily on Sarah's mind.

It is a great, great piece. And Sarah performs so infrequently (much, much too infrequently) I'm strongly urging everyone to see it. I was a little stunned after the show, and I have seen it already. My eyes were wet, and I was a little dizzy. Sarah, I just think you are amazing.

Watching it again made me admire, so much, the modern art of solo performance. In the last five or so years I have seen an awful lot of solo work, and very little of it has not been worth my time.

What's On David's iPod?
I Can't Wait
Nu Shooz
"Poolside"
(Boy, it felt good to get that off my chest.)

"What (Not) To READ When You're Expecting"

It has been quite a week. March is always a difficult month, this one made even more so by a number of confluent events. Henry's arrival, Zelda's anticipation of her own baby brother, coupled with entirely understandable neuroses about this (or any) pregnancy.

In addition, we are preparing for a wedding which will take place on Calvin's birthday, in New York City. This has been a point of some stress. It's a wedding we have looked forward to, but it means flying when Toni is past 30 weeks pregnant, in addition to taking us out of town on Calvin's Day, when we traditionally do a number of things in town to celebrate.

Last week I met a couple who lost their boy, Johannes, a little over two weeks ago. Marianne at Metro Health got me in touch with them, they wanted someone to talk to, someone who has "been through it."

Meeting Justin and Laura at a restaurant downtown, I was impressed at how well they appeared to be handling everything. I was even jealous, if that makes any sense. Their family was there following the birth, everyone got to hold the boy, there were pictures, a lot of support there. They are very fortunate. I remember being alone with Toni, and, well, that's about it.

We had a lot in common. Not least of which is hatred for a certain book advising women on what to, uh, anticipate while they are, erm, with child. What they don't do is help you expect the unexpected.

That's a common theme - don't tell people about the bad things, it will only make them worry. Again, it's like that episode of Six Feet Under. No, people should not panic, but it's like the motto of The Preeclampsia Foundation - "Know the Symptoms, Trust Yourself."

I was honored to be invited to Hannes' memorial, which coincidentally enough was held in my hometown of Bay Village. We all went. It was a Quaker-style memorial, no formal agenda, everyone sits in a room, and if you want to speak, speak. There must have been close to hundred people. Many spoke. It was a beautiful event.

What's On David's iPod?
Six Feet Under Title Theme (Remix)
Photek vs. Thomas Newman
Six Feet Under
(Yes, I am doing some catching up, aren't I?)

DVDs are an amazing thing. Friends with DVDs are even better.

We haven't yet made it to the end of the first season. Zelda's friend Anna has a new baby brother, born on Saturday - his name is Henry. Welcome, Henry!

So we had to drop everything this weekend to take care of Anna, which was cool. But it meant no time for dark comedies about death. We may polish them off tonight, who knows.

Yesterday was Toni's 30th week of pregnancy. Calvin was born dead at 30 weeks. Something of a milestone. Things began lightening up at this point with Zelda ... oh, who am I kidding, of course they didn't. But at least this wasn't hanging over our heads.

But we did watch the "crib death" episode the other night, Friday night. Yippee. Glad Rico was back, and I wasn't as antsy about the subject as the handling of the subject. Putting together words like "mild" and "preeclampsia" make me irritable, to say the least. And, of course, Rico's baby lived.

I was amused when Nate used the "some baby's are too good for this world" line on the parents of the deceased 3-week old. I hate it when people say things like that, and it made his character a little less perfect. He always knows the right thing to say to the bereaved, doesn't he? Uh, no, he doesn't. And who of us do?

Funny Things

The internet is such a funny thing. Wait, in order to explain this extremely mundane fact, I need to back up a little ...

Toni and I have begun watching Six Feet Under from the beginning - we have borrowed the season one DVS from a friend. Great show. It's a little stunning in places, I mean, I get stunned. It began, what, in the summer of 2001? I seem to remember the promo on the sides of busses when we were in NYC from the 01 Fringe.

Sure, it's typical HBO dark humor - the places network t.v. can't go, the Mob-family sit-com (Sopranos), the prison-rape sit-com (OZ) so I figured the funeral home sit-com would be much of the same. But man, maybe I am simple or something, but all the frank talk about death and mourning is really ... refreshing. And that Peter Krause is something to look at. Mmn.

Anyway, and this was something - there's the episode about the 6 year-old who shoots himself. I was only wondering if they would go there (as the kids say) and there they were. There were images in that episode I never want to see again. Watching David scrub the boys fingernails was one thing. Watching him tie to boy's sneaker was another. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it has haunted me ever since.

Later, Nate is having another argument with Billy (I really hate Billy) this time over the significance of child death in society, and our inability to deal with it, and Brenda begins to quote my play.

Okay, she wasn't quoting my play, she was quoting whatever it is I quote in my play.

"Someone who loses a parent is an orphan, someone who loses a spouse is a widow or a widower. There is not word for the parent of a dead child."

I say in my play that "I read this somewhere." It was in a book called "Finding Hope When a Child Dies." And today I wanted to know where the author of that book got it from. I Googled the last line there - and got a bunch of references to my play, of course, I use that line a lot. I also found this conversation on mothering.com from two years ago. People talking about me behind my back again.

The internet is such a funny thing.

From Gina ...

Urine Test May Predict Pregnancy Preeclampsia

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

By Jennifer Warner

A substance in a pregnant woman‚s urine may help doctors determine whether she‚s likely to develop preeclampsia later in her pregnancy, a new study suggests.

Preeclampsia is a common cause of high blood pressure during pregnancy, and also causes elevated levels of protein in the urine. Potential complications of preeclampsia include seizures, brain hemorrhage, uncontrolled bleeding, and kidney failure as well as premature delivery. There is a greatly increased risk of death in babies delivered early.

The condition develops quickly and makes it hard for doctors to spot it in time before these dangerous complications develop.

But in a new study published in this week's Journal of the American Medical Association, researchers found that reduced levels of a substance known as placental growth factor (PIGF) starting at weeks 25-28 of pregnancy were associated with a higher risk of developing preeclampsia later in the pregnancy.

If further studies confirm these results, researchers say screening for PIGF may offer a new way to predict preeclampsia risk and prevent complications.

Urine Substance Tied to Preeclampsia Risk

In the study, researchers studied urine concentrations of PIGF in 120 pregnant women who later developed preeclampsia and 118 women with normal pregnancies.

They found that levels of PIGF were significantly lower beginning at 25 to 28 weeks of pregnancy among the women who subsequently developed preeclampsia than the other women. This difference between the two groups became more pronounced at 29 to 36 weeks.

In the women with normal pregnancies, the levels of PIGF were increased during the first two trimesters, peaked at 29 to 32 weeks of pregnancy, and then decreased.

In addition, among women with the lowest PIGF levels at 21 to 32 weeks of pregnancy, the risk of developing preeclampsia before 37 weeks, or during a pregnancy that produces a small size infant for its age, was markedly higher.

Researchers say if further studies confirm these results, screening women for PIGF may identify those who would most benefit from early diagnosis of preeclampsia and potentially help prevent preeclampsia-related complications.

By Jennifer Warner, reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD

SOURCE: Levine, R. The Journal of the American Medical Association, Jan. 5, 2005; vol 293: pp 77-85.

Happy Holidays

Following performances of I HATE THIS people often ask what impact the play has had on my relationship with my family. The answer is, my relationship with them is fine, better to ask what impact the show has had on them.

For Christmas this year, my father made a contribution in Calvin's name to the The Heifer Project which helps hungry families around the world by giving them livestock or other farm animals in hope they may become self-reliant for food and income. He bought a hive of bees. I loved that. He also gave a flock of ducks in Zelda's honor.

In late 2001 he originally offered to dedicate a pointsetta for Calvin at his church, and there were those in the family who didn't get it. Toni and I have greatly appreciated his remembrances, they mean an awful lot.

Happy New Year's, folks.

Farewell From Bad Epitaph Theater Company

After five years my company, Bad Epitaph, is calling it quits. Not a major event in the history of Cleveland theater, but it is bound to be some kind of downer to a lot of theater fans around here, if only for purely symbolic reasons.

The state of theater in Cleveland kinda blows. The most daring theaters are petering along as best they can. Small companies like ours pop up for a bit, do some refreshing work, and then either disappear or ... well, no that's about it, they disappear.

Most of us are already involved with other companies, that's part of the reason for the split. Again, no big crying shame. It's kind of a relief. But I know I will miss the autonomy of doing whatever the hell I want after a short while. I always do.

Bad Epitaph Theater Co. 1999 - 2004
"I have tried so hard to do the right."
Cleveland, Grover (1837-1908)

Little Boys

We found last week that the Fish (as we call him) is going to be a boy. Or rather, he already is, but now we know it.

This news came strangely to me. I think I had assumed I really did want a boy, but wouldn't admit it to myself, for fear of being disappointed. And now I am not sure that was ever the case. My standard line was, "I just want it to be live and healthy." And I think that was true.

Boys are weak, you know. Boys are fragile. Zelda could get hit by a train and get back up again, she's tough. But little boys? Little boys die. At least, that's been my experience to date.

Angle 17

Fringing It

My personal take on Fringe Festival culture, and my experience in NY. Okay, not just my take, I interviewed a lot of people for it. I like it a lot better in print than when I wrote it.

For Mother and Child, A Lurking Danger
NY Times, 11/23/04

Nice article. A little background info on preeclampsia.

And here is the dangerously unhelpful Parents Magazine: Emergency Guide mentioned in my last post.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Parents Magazine, November, 2004
from their "Pregnancy First Aid" guide

... If you're close to your 20th week and your face or fingers are swollen - or if you've gained excessive, unexplained weight - you might have preeclampsia (high blood pressure.) If it's not treated, the condition can cause convulsions severe headaches and vision problems.

No. Preeclampsia does not mean "high blood pressure," it means "before seizure." If it's not treated, the condition can cause the death of the child and/or the mother.

I understand the fact that there is a philosophy that giving mothers this information is counter-productive, as it is an outside risk and will only make them worry. I understand it, but I do not condone it.

It's like that chapter of "What To Expct When You're Expecting" which says, in its own way, do not read this next section, because you will no doubt find your symptoms in it, and these things can't possibly happen to you. We went back and read that section after Calvin had died, and that was where they warned of preeclampsia.

With permanent marker I retitled that chapter "Do Not Read Until Your Child Is Already Dead."

And you can dance ... for inspiration!

Yes. I am totally gay.

But, it has been an inspiring couple of days. I have been slow off the mark in following up on the contacts I made at last week's event (though I did finally get Kelly her check in the mail) but there has not been much time since then. At least, no time I can make work for me, if that makes sense to any of the other parents of small children out there - and Brian, that's for you, because you are no doubt the only one still reading this.

But two things came my way in the past two days. First off, check out the pictures of this stud-muffin running the New York City Marathon. May I admit I am actually a blood relative of someone who looks like that. My family tends towards the chinless, pale and flabby, but check out my cousin JT!

Can't remember if I wrote about this when I was in Maine ... we had arrived too late to participate in "Friendship Days" and the morning when we did arrive was the 5 K or 5 mile run they have, and my cousins JT and Amy were on the front page of the local paper in the race. If I'd known better I would have tried to get us all there the night before or something, I was really jealous. That would have been fun.

Not that those two would not have left me in the dust - in NYC last weekend JT came in 6th in his age group. Isn't that nuts? I mean, that's it - last summer I made a pledge to run a marathon before I turned 40. I have got to keep up with this or its never gonna happen.

Meanwhile, just today, I had another little surprise. I am sitting in my little cubby at work when Daniel calls me and says come downstairs, Suzan-Lori Parks is about to give a private talk to some students from Early College.

Yes, things like this happen to me all the time.

She had just come from an interview on a local public radio affiliate, and was to give a talk for a much larger audience in the Ohio tonight. But this was for a half-dozen or so young women ... and folks like me who happened to be in the right place at the right time.

photo: Must I make that face?

It was real informal, but Ms. Parks just said some awesome stuff I really needed to hear right now. There's a new play (my third? - is that all?) I have been struggling with for ... oh, hell, nine years ... but it's just starting to come into focus as a result of the election.

She said she wasn't sure there was any such thing as talent, just love. A love of writing. And if you keep at it, maybe that's "talent." Something like that. And a lot of supportive words about keeping at it.

No, without direct quotes, it sounds like a lot of the usual advice for aspiring writers. But even writers need to tell other writers these things, or I think we'd all just stop.

I Have a Headache

The fact is, I have had a headache every day for the past several weeks. It may be the climate change - I thought it was going to pass after the election was over, but then the sun refused to come out. Maybe Zelda coughing all night had something to do with it. I was really hoping that once this performance was under my belt it would release its grip on me. That happens you know, I will begin a show with a headache, but it is gone the moment I start.

It didn't. I did a show with a headache. Having said that, it was a good show. Shame I don't get another crack at it, there were some weird spots but by and large I think we were all having a special time.

Yes, there were 150 attendees. It was a relief to look into the crowd as we were setting up and see that everyone - I mean everyone - was a woman. What can I say, it's a different vibe. You know, the weirdest thing about my first performance in New York, was I could clearly see the first row, the row full of critics - they were all guys.

Guys don't openly weep during my show. Especially guys from the NYC media establishment. They cross their arms, the way guys do, and stare at you. They laugh when I use the word "cunt."

Anyway, as I said, it was a good show. Kelly was perfect - the auto-stop on the CD player didn't work, exactly. I mean, it worked, but what that meant was when you reached the end of a track - it stopped. As in, it was like you hit the stop button, not the pause button. Koesters would have figured it out, Kelly just used the pause button and never blew a cue.

For the record, the event was the 19th annual Current Challenges in Newborn & Women's Health Nursing conference, sponsored by Mead Johnson Nutritionals. I met a number of wonderful people there, picking up a number of contacts - a lot of them asked about a recording, either audio or visual, and several gave me contacts to persue in regards to getting one financed.

That would be good ... I have been hesitant about making a professional video. I just don't know if it would beas effective as a live perf. But then, they were suggesting that a video could be sold to hospitals all over the world, something so many doctors and nurses could use as a training tool. It would be irresponsible of me not to follow up.

I will get photos from the event on the photo page soon. It was a good day. But my head still hurts. I blame Bush.

The Room That Ate My Head

First off, let me apologize to the technical coordinator at LaCentre, who was very, very helpful today. This is a weird situation for everyone involed, I am sure. Now I have a much, much better idea of the kind of things I need to be specific about when this show is produced again.

Kelly and I got two hours in the room. The ROOM. A big, long banquet hall - it's actually a much larger room divided in half. The audience will sit at long tables, all facing one direction, maybe eight across, with an aisle down the middle - and strecthing back some fifteen rows. The event organizer says it will be full, 120 people - the largest audience I have ever played to.

Now, the stage - and there is a stage, a platform that gives me about as much room as I had in New York - is set to one side, directly in front of half of the audience.

The other half of the audience has in front of it THE SCREEN.

This screen is bigger than the one we used in Minnesota. It's bigger than my garage door. It's about one storey high. Crazy. They will, oh yes, be able to read the slides in the back.

And the sound distribution is wild, too - I hear the sound at the same volume as they hear it in the rear of the hall. Only I will be smaller. And to this end, I will have a wireless mic. A really good one - the stuff they have at this place is pretty good, let me tell you.

No light cues, just lights up at the beginning, lights down at the end. And Kelly and I got to run all cues.

I hope I can get some pictures. This may be the future of this show - special events catering to the medical health profession. I can live with that.

Doctor, Doctor

This Wednesday, November 10th I will have a performance at 10:45 in the morning as part of a newborn and women's health conference in Westlake. I'd have sent a press release for it, but you know, it's a private gig.

In October, 2003 I staged this show for the first time in a lecture hall setting, for a conference of Nurse-Midwives, and it turned out much better than I had hoped. Unlike a theater setting, there were no internal light cues, just sound and slides, and I could see my audience perfectly. But the response, during the show was very strong - the doctors and nurses and midwives didn't have any problem openly expressing their shame at the behavior of a small number of their bretheren.

This time I would be feeling more confident, if it weren't for the fact that my main technical contact at the facility has been ... unhelpful. Kelly is stage managing again, and we had an appointment for last Thursday morning. This guy was a half-hour late, and showed us the wrong room. On top of that, when I said our specs hadn't been met (we were promised rear projection, an accessible CD player) he started quoting prices at me for different eqipment.

The kicker was that we were shown the wrong room. The performance is in two days, and Kelly has no idea what kind of set-up she'll have - and this man is difficult to get hold of.

And you know, this may be the largest audience I have done this show for, something like 120 or more. I'd like this to go off the way it's supposed to.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmn ...

On the good news front, we are expecting again. There was a time when we thought we only wanted one child - but that child was Calvin. We don't want Zelda's only sibling to be a dead older brother.

What is awkward is when we are expcting - May. Early May, perhaps, but Calvin's was at the end of May, which puts us on a near equal pregnancy track as we had with him. This will be difficult, especially around the holidays.

We back-tracked and found that the "fish" was conceived around August 14th. IHTBlog fans will note that on the day in question I was in New York City.