One for the Fathers

Dear Father of an Unborn Child,

I am so sorry for your loss. Or is it a loss? I don't know you, I don't know when your child died ­ when it was at 8 weeks, sixteen weeks, full-term? Maybe the length of the pregnancy was irrelevant, you wanted that child and he or she was real to you and that's all that mattered. I understand that. Again, I'm sorry.

Unless you feel you weren't really attached to this baby. It was only an embryo or a fetus. It wasn't inside you, after all. And maybe you had doubts from the beginning whether this child was viable. It's good sometimes not to get your hopes up.

Or maybe you are really feeling all the things I wrote in the first paragraph and are telling yourself the things in the second paragraph. Can't say.

It is all right for the father to grieve. It is all right for the father to be disappointed. This can take time.

There are a number of phases we go through when learning to cope with neonatal death. Sometimes knowing what they are can make them less scary ­ or upsetting, if you are not the kind of guy who gets scared.

1. Shock and numbness: Can't concentrate, can't make decisions, time gets confused. (First 2 weeks)

2. Yearning and searching: Blame, anger, guilt, bitterness, obsession for your wife to be pregnant again ­ and dreams. (2nd week through 4th month)

3. Disorganization and despair: Depressed, withdrawn, or forgetful. (5th ­ 9th month)

4. Reorganization: Sense of release, the ability to laugh, and new energy. (18 to 24 months)

Whatever you are feeling inside, for real, find it, and be honest with yourself ­ and for God's sake, be honest with your spouse.

And that's the part I strongly urge you to keep in mind at all times; what you and your partner are going through ­ when you are in synch, and especially when you are not. Maybe you yourself are bearing up well, you feel good, it's all behind you, it's time to "move on" - and best of all, your wife hasn't said a word about the baby in weeks.

My friend, you could be in for the Big Hurt.

Ask yourself, when was the last time you really knew how she is feeling? When was the last time you asked her - directly, specifically - and said how sorry you are you lost the baby, or called the baby by name (if he or she has a name) or got her flowers or did any of those things you really know you are supposed to do, but are too afraid to (yes, afraid) because you assume she's over it, or because you don't want to upset her, or because maybe, just maybe, you don't want to upset yourself.

Maybe the two of you have all of this figured out, and you don't need any of this advice. If so, I am happy for you. Because in spite of this horrible, useless thing that happened to you, and to your child, you know you have each other, and that means there will be a tomorrow, and one day it won't hurt as much.

But why take a chance? Ask her again today.

Happy Thanksgiving,

David H.