With our regrets ...

The Hansen brothers, Christmas 1977

Missed another party last night. Damn. I was really hoping to be social this holday season, but there's always something and it's usually no fun. Yesterday it was another migraine. That's two in ten days. I would have seen my GP already ... but I don't currently have one. I last saw the pleasantly vicious Dr. X last January when she did something unspeakably hideous to one of my feet.

So I have no doctor, which is no way for a 37 year-old man to be. But I have some leads and will make calls tomorrow. I cannot bear the day-to-day anxiety that comes with wonering if I may, possibly, out of the blue, wake up the next morning unable to think or see straight.

I actually put the name "Janus" on my list when we were coming up with boys' names. There were a number of month-inspired names, I thought they sounded strong. "Joy of life" I think came to mind when naming Zelda, after losing Calvin. And then, when we learned we would be having a boy, all I could think was, "Be strong. Boys are weak. Be strong."

Janus, looking before and after. Often I am overwhelmed at this time of year with all the other year-ends I have had to contend with. Maybe because of the time off, I finally have a moment to rest, and then my brain goes haywire with all the thoughts rushing to catch hold of my attention.

We had a great New Year's party to ring in 2000. The 20th Century Revival Party: we asked friends to decorate each room in our house, each room was a different decade. I think almost everyone we knew at that time came to our New Year's party, the place was packed. What a celebration, like we had really accomplished something, bringing the century to a close - not the millennium, who can handle that, and certainly not the decade. We didn't want that decade to end, so much so we still don't know what to call this one, it sucks so bad.

It's not even five years done, it's almost six years done. Christ, what an ugly time. "Not only can we win the war in Iraq — we are winning the war in Iraq." Yeah? Blow me.

It was last night that got me started on this 1999 thing - again. I think it was La Femme D'Argent from Moon Safari by AIR, something melancholy but forward-looking (like my entire life) and I thought of that year, starting a new company, getting married - and then of that party. And I thought of the week that followed, the first week of the year. My whole family was together, and we went to Florida, to see my grandfather (who died last May) and to watch five year-old Lydia discover Disneyworld.

And while I was thinking all of this, I was also watching Zelda. She's got nothing to do with any of that. Everything awful that's ever happened to me happened after that ball dropped on January 1, 2000. It started curdling almost immediately, only I was still running too fast to see it.

The entire Hansen family will be together this New Year's, too. And I am really looking forward to that.

I am grateful for everything (well, almost everything) that has happened to us since Calvin died. I take nothing for granted, it's all a bonus.

Between now and New Year's, I don't know how much time I will have to blog or keep tabs on my friends here. I have met so many of you who are going through the worst of it, or just emerging from it, and I am glad I met you all this year, and I want you to be strong, and safe, and know Toni and I are thinking about you.

We wish you a very happy and hopeful 2006. Peace.