Oo-ah. Apparently I have been terribly misunderstood, regarding my 24 March post, and the "first question."I thought my description of the situation was pretty clear, or at least I did at the time, but I can see how now it was misconstrued (see the comments for the last two days for the whole story.)
Actually, what I was trying to present was my own first impression of Berni's question. Having just performed an unusual performance for a foreign crowd (and by that I guess I mean people not from Cleveland - the Minnesotans were more alien to me than the Brits) I was looking for an indication of how the show was received. Berni's comment threw me because, emotionally, I was in that place.
She was obviously sharing a painful question she herself had been asked a number of times, that was the conversation starter. It was a GREAT question, a challenging question.
(Reminder, here's the question: "Has anyone ever asked you, if you're over it, why do you keep doing this show?" She didn't ask me why I keep doing the show - she asked if anyone has ever asked that. Big difference.)
Keep in mind - when I performed IHT last October, for a room of exhausted RNs at the end of a full day of lectures in a hall with no air conditioning, the first question I received (after a tense silence) was "Well ... you told us all the things we shouldn't say ... what are we supposed to say?"
So ... not knowing whether I was speaking to an insulted professional or one of the club, I was on my guard. That's all I wanted to express, that first - false, fearful - impression. Because I am an insecure guy.
I'm sorry, Berni. You are lovely, I really, really enjoyed speaking to you, and I hope we meet again soon. I knew what you meant, and I hope everyone else understands now, too.
3 comments:
yea for berni, for opening up the topic. it's one all of us parents-in-loss have to deal with, if not overtly then with the implication from those around us that we should be getting over it already. i wish there were better tools for answering that question when people who haven't lost a child ask it, but talking about it certainly helps.
i must say, i thought the post was pretty clear - that she brought up the question from a position of loss and frustration. unless some comments were deleted, i don't see anything that's critical of berni, but perhaps it's because several of us commenting on this blog know each other in "real" life or have at least been corresponding online so long that we know each other's shorthand and are used to being straightforward with each other, in one of the few places (the community of parents who've lost children) where we can.
if berni is reading, please know that i am sorry that you lost a child, too, and i invite you to join a somewhat international group of us who talk about it online.
Thank you David. I am sure no one here meant anyone any harm, it is just a matter of interpretation. I love this site. I often am curious and puzzled over inside jokes with Henrick or your other friends. Often things written directly involving me go straight over my head. The co-dependent in me (oh god, do we still use this term - seems so Melody Beetie??? - 80's????) Just had to address the issue when my first feedback from Bernie was that she felt uncomfortable about asking "the question" otherwise the show visibly moved many in her group, especially the men, and was "spot on" with the grief. Seems many were touched in many different ways. I don't mean to stir anything up here. Enjoy the second half of your trip.
Kristen F.
I'm sorry...perhaps my comment was misinterpreted earlier. I really wanted to know how you (David) addressed the issue. It's one that I still haven't got a handle on and it flattens me emotionally every time I hear it. And since I wasn't there to hear your answer, outside of your description of the ensuing diaglogue, I was curious. I apologize if there was an implication that I was judging Berni or anyone else. Goodness knows, that was NOT my intent.
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